If World War 1 Were A Bar Fight

Originally by Dave Rogers on the JREF Forums

Germany, Austria and Italy are stood together in the middle of the bar-room, when Serbia bumps into Austria, and spills Austria's pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit, because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for cleaning Austria's trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britan and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings, because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over, then walks over, waves a fist at Germany while Britain knocks it out, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken, and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault. While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

Nobody comes out of it looking particularly good.

Samson and Delilah

Or as I like to call the story, Sampson the Terminally Stupid.

D: What's the secret of your strength? How can I make you weak?

S: Bind me with undried bowstrings!

D: (Binds him with undried bowstrings)

S: Haha! I lied!

D: Oh silly me. How can I really make you weak?

S: Okay. You need to tie me with new rope!

D: (Ties him with new rope)

S: Haha! I lied!

D: Oh you. Tell me the truth now. How can I make you weak?

S: Okay. Sorry. You need to weave my hair into the loom.

D: (weaves his hair into the loom)

S: Haha! I lied!

D: Oh I hate you! Come on, please tell me how I can make you weak. Pleeeease?

S: Oh, okay. Cut my hair.

D: (cuts his hair)

S: Oh, cruel betrayal! This is SO unexpected! Aaah, my eyes!

Definitions of "nerd" and "geek"

I used to say that nerds don't have friends. Geeks have friends, but their friends are all also geeks.

This is no longer strictly accurate. The accepted definitions of the terms have changed over time. For reference, when I was at school, I wasn't referred to as a nerd or a geek, I was referred to as a square. And it had the same insulting, bullying intent.

Today, however, the terms have changed both in intent and meaning.

A "geek" is someone who is unashamed about enjoying pop culture, to varying extents. Some geeks collect miniature figurines, some play lots of games, some cosplay as their favourite characters. Comics, D&D, movies - especially superhero movies - are all parts of geek culture. The characteristic of being a geek is being very interested in and excited by a particular hobby or pastime. Non-geeks sometimes characterise this as "obsession", but the characteristic feature is the subject matter, not the level to which one dedicates time to it. One can be a comic geek, or a boardgame geek, or a superhero geek, or a movie geek. Usually a person is a geek about one thing, or a limited range of things. One does not generally say that someone is a football geek or a basketball geek, even though the level of interest in those subjects can equal or exceed that of any other kind of geek. But the word is slowly coming to incorporate sports as well. Geekery is generally social - geeks go to conventions and participate in group activities like gaming.

I am a geek - I am a tabletop gaming geek, a LARP geek and a sword and medieval weapon geek. I am not a superhero geek or a movie geek, or an anime geek.

A nerd, on the other hand, is someone with a broad general interest in nerdy subjects - maths, science, engineering, philosophy, statistics - academic subjects in general. Nerds are not so much into pop culture as geeks are, though there is certainly crossover. Nerdery is more often a solitary pursuit and nerds are often more introverted than geeks are. Nerds will usually have a broader range of interests, as opposed to geeks, who will frequently specialise.

It is important to remember that there is usually significant overlap between these two categories. One can be both a nerd and a geek. I am a nerd - I am interested in magic and mathematics, and I have an interest in science and philosophy, and I am also extremely introverted. I am also a nerd about some of my geek hobbies - for example, I can rattle off D&D rules without looking them up in the books, and I can tell you the differences between a longsword and a shortsword, with references to historical texts and extant examples of both.

Also, you will find that there is often considerable disagreement about the definitions of these two categories. Arguing about the difference between nerds and geeks is definitely a nerdy pursuit.

To sum up: If you want someone to tell you what the airspeed of an unladen swallow is, ask a nerd. If you want to know what movie that is a quote from, ask a geek.